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Joke of the Day

"I told my wife I was going to the toilet. She said, ""Don't forget to spray."" Now there's piss everywhere."

"My relationships never worked, because I like my women how I like my coffee... I don't like when my coffee fucks other people."

"Everyone needs that one friend that will promise to redraw your chalk outline to make you look skinnier."

"Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you've changed my entire outlook. I don't hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy."

"I got an anti-gravity book at barnes and noble today. it's impossible to put down."

"I saw a kid pretending to be a dinosaur by himself today... He looks lonely so I decided to go and join him. After a while, his mother came by and told me off. Turns out he had Cerebral Palsy."

"The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I'd tweet this while I wait for the water to boil..."

"What do you call a man that brews beer? A Hebrew."

"I want my funeral to be sad and completely serious. Then right when my coffin starts lowering into the ground the song from Tetris plays."

"Maybe I'll starting bringing a spray bottle and treat them like misbehaving cats. ""NO!"" *Shoots person in face*"