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Joke of the Day

"Why is it so hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things literally."

"An entire generation does not know what the hell is happening when a movie pans over to a wall calendar and the pages magically fly away."

"Why did the scientist regret naming the organism ""Fungus""? Because after they hung out Gus was actually a pretty boring guy."

"My friend doesn't like how I tell fat people jokes. I'm still not sure how their weight has to do with their sense of humor."

"You guys, my mom wants to know if any of you are going to give her grandchildren."

"When I was younger I used to masturbate by having sex with a jar of peanut butter... But growing up and looking back I realize I was just fucking nuts."

"Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her ""good morning solar eclipse"" Yeah, don't do that."

"Ya know, I've never taken an ugly girl to bed... Woke up with a few though."

"What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? You can't milk a cow for 14 years."

"What did the Boston Marathon bombers do that Hitler couldn't? successfully end a race."