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Joke of the Day

"if anyone has reason for these two not to wed, speak now or forever hold y- [brides dad stands up] ""SHE BRUSHES HER TEETH WITH HOT WATER"""

"How many confederate flag bearing husbands does it take to beat up their wives? None, she fell down the stairs."

"TIL Dr Dre adopted a child from Mexico The child calls him his ""PaDre"""

"No Twitter crush. I have a twitter boyfriend who I intend to marry and have twitter babies. Then twitter divorce and take all his followers."

"Every time someone uses the word ""intense"", Chuck Norris always replies ""you know what else is intense?"" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face."

"Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I'm holding out until it's also a car wax."

"Don't argue with strangers on the Internet. Save up all that negative energy for your coworkers and door to door salesmen."

"Dumb one-liner of the day: I imagine veterinarians who treat ducks put up with a lot of undeserved grief."

"Did you know that if you pull off a lizard's tail it'll grow back? And if you pull it off again the lizard will be like, ""Dude, c'mon..."""

"Parallel lines have so much in common, It's a shame they'll never meet."