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Joke of the Day

"Two Polish guys are walking through the woods... One says ""Look, a dead bird!"". The other looks up in the trees and says ""Where?!"""

"Cat: I think i have a rash. Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD"

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'."

"The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry's in the oven. I'm going to bed."

"I'm not sure what this guy shaking a cup of change at people wants. He must just be bragging that he has change."

"What is E.T. short for? So he can fit on a spaceship."

"My boss told me ""Dress for the job you want, not the job you have"" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume."

"For real now, how many animals can you fit into one single pair of panty hose 2 calves, an ass, a beaver, an assload of hares, 1 cameltoe and 1 fish Noone can find"

"You'd think that with NSA reading our tweets all the time, they could star or retweet some of the good ones."

"She's so ugly that when a wasp stings her it shuts its eyes."