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Joke of the Day

"My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How's your night going?"

"Did you hear about the outbreak of Urinary Tract Infections at the University of Texas? It's odd they couldn't see the issue with all those UTI's"

"I'm addicted to Halloween! Nobody seems to know how to ""treat"" it"

"Did you hear about the man who stole that train this morning??? Some say he had a... Loco-motive! I have no life and just made that up while playing gta5... Ill show myself to the door... :'("

"What do you call a piece of spaghetti that steals people's identities? An impasta!"

"REPUBLICANS: I can't believe Trump won. DEMOCRATS: I can't believe Hillary lost. ME: I can't believe it's not butter!"

"Twitter is an amazing source of useful information, the way a haystack is an amazing source of needles."

"So a friend and I Are going to a cafe for brunch. She asked ""Do you think I should get together with Josh? You are like an 8ball to me."" I replied ""What about me?"""

"What do transsexuals run on? Gender fluid."

"If I'd know I only had 4 decent tweets in me when I started, I'd have spread them out a little more."