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Joke of the Day

"When life gives you melons... You're probably dyslexic"

"96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in."

"ATTN FILMMAKERS: Is it possible the future won't be colored a bleak greenish gray with constant rain, or are you really sure of this?"

"When I bring a girl back to my bedroom, I tell her ""this is where the magic happens"", then I pull a rabbit out of a hat."

"My Wallet My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry :-("

"Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction."

"People say I don't have what it takes Yeah, because every time I get it, it takes it."

"Once again, overheard my 13yo tell someone that I was born in the 1900s. Now I want to hide under the covers and stab all her teddy bears."

"""Hit me,"" said the masochist. ""No,"" said the sadist"

"I switched my kids to almond milk. Whenever people ask me if I think it's healthier I tell them ""Nah, I just got tired of them asking why their picture is on the back of the milk cartons."""