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Joke of the Day

"I switched my kids to almond milk. Whenever people ask me if I think it's healthier I tell them ""Nah, I just got tired of them asking why their picture is on the back of the milk cartons."""

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"Walmart's hair salon doesn't charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair."
"we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of 'prolly' try 'probababably.'"
"I rustle jimmies look at my name lol"
"Why can't black people swim? Because the cops will arrest them"
"6-year-old: Spill me some milk. Me: You mean ""pour."" 6: Not the way you do it."
"Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E."
"I've matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff"
"every time i see a fat, bald, goateed dude in public i get excited for a split second thinking it's Louis CK"
"""Eat me,"" said the noun ""Say what?"" said the verb. ""Eat me,"" repeated the noun, word for word. ""Uhh...okay."" Verbatim."