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Joke of the Day

"If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films."

"(._.) ( l: ) ( .-. ) ( :l ) (._.) They see me rolling. They hating."

"Listening to NPR during fundraising campaigns has prepared me to ignore my kids when they ask for money."

"What's the difference between ignorance and arrogance? I don't know, and I don't care."

"I got a case of beer for my wife! It was a good trade!"

"How do you give a solipsist an existential crisis? You tell me."

"Thinking of getting a cat? Ease into it by sprinkling hair in your food for a couple of weeks."

"I bought some Greek yogurt today It started asking all of the other food in my fridge for money"

"*me looking at a police lineup* Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa."

"So a hydraulic jack walks into his family reunion. . . and says look at all these Pump kins!"