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Joke of the Day

"When asked, 'Are you Twittering?' if I'm looking at my phone I now reply, 'No. I am not Twittering,' in a sort of flat monotone. And tweet."

"[deathbed] Son....come closer ""Yes dad?"" We need a new man of the house ""I'd-"" *presses fake mustache into his hands* Give this to your sister"

"What did the right ball say to the left ball? Dont talk to the guy in the middle he's a dick"

"So called ""Trader"" Joe's wouldn't let me pay with furs or rum or even live birds."

"my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard & theyre like this cereals hard damn right my cereals hard u should add milk so its not so sharp"

"What's worse than missing your bus in the morning The Holocaust"

"Going to church doesn't necessarily make you a nice person... It does, however, make you sleepy."

"Well tonight's date night for me and the wife I certainly hope we don't run into each other"

"So I Went to the doctor And he told me to quit masturbating. I said ""whys that?"" He said ""Because you're in my office"""

"I've watched the same porno movie 126 times. I'm trying to see how it ends."