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Joke of the Day

"My friend who works at the movie theater died yesterday... Funeral services are being held today at 4:25, 5:40, 7:10 and 9:45"

"Why did we use guns in world war 2 against the Germans? We could've used Frebreze, it kills 99.99% of germs anyways."

"The defense rests your honor. *camera pans to defendant taking a nap*"

"Wife : don't forget to pick up the kids at the school Me : why"

"What does the beginning of the German alphabet start with? Not Z."

"Have you heard about the 2 tampons that could never get dates? [language] They were both stuck up cunts."

"A midget psychic escaped prison today... Authorities claim there's a small medium at large."

"Alsation: What is your favorite holiday? Chihuahua: Howloween!"

"I avoid all spoilers for the new Star Wars movie. I won't watch the trailers and... I refuse to watch the movie itself as to stay spoiler free for the rest of my life."

"A feminist once asked me: ""What's your view on lesbians?"" I responded: ""1080p."""