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Joke of the Day

"Bought the wife some Meatloaf knickers for Xmas. The front says ""I will do anything for love"" On the rear it says ""but I won't do that"""

"""Here's your cup of Joe"" - Joe at the sperm bank"

"ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard ME: hannahannahannahannaha"

"You ever randomly hear your mom singing 'Candy Shop' and then die a little inside?"

"""Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship"" *me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share."

"Husband: Have you lost weight? Me: About 10 lbs H: Who you trying to look good for? *wink M: You don't know him. He's on Twitter..."

"Q: How do small people call each other? A: On microphones."

"My boss just fired me because I spent the past 45 minutes taking a crap. I don't see why he can't just clean it off his desk, and move on."

"What did Snape say at Alan Rickmans funeral? Nothing."

"When I was in the army our commanding officer always made decisions based on the way our whole unit felt. I kind of miss him. Good ol' General Consensus."