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Joke of the Day

"Why can't you keep secrets in a bank? Because of all the tellers."

"What's the biggest joke of all time? My life. My entire goddamned life."

"An orchestra concert is no place for a child. Sometimes there's intense violins"

"[finds sock with hole in it] *gets angry* [puts sock back in same drawer] *repeats forever*"

"Why do tampons have strings attached? So you can floss after you eat. Alt ending: So the crabs can bungee jump."

"My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She'll have cereal."

"I was so ugly when I was born, The doctor smacked my mother!"

"The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears."

"What's the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair? Cancer..."

"Just once I'd like someone to call me ""ma'am"" without having to add ""you need to calm down or we're going to have to ask you to leave"""