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Joke of the Day

"KID: *falls out of tree* I'm fine ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week"

"What do a short-sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose."

"Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we'd even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever."

"What's the difference between Mike Tyson and the iPhone 4s? There are no *unboxing* videos of Mike Tyson."

"I don't WANT new people to get murdered but I want Investigation Discovery to always have new material."

"Why couldn't the baby camel surf the Internet? Because whenever his parents saw their phone bill they got the hump."

"How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling ? She's got that down in the mouth look !"

"Everything's gonna be ok ma'am, I've got a degree from an online college."

"My kids are asking to be fed and cared for and stuff. This parenting thing is bullshit."

"What's Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba na na naaa"