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Joke of the Day

"Tim Cook has announced that he's gay. Samsung just filed a lawsuit claiming they came out of the closet 3 years ago. #Apple"

"Why couldn't the motorcycle stand on it's own? because it was too tired."

"Don't judge me. Judge Judy."

"If cupids didnt have wings, theyd just be fat little baby assassins with crossbows."

"I suck my stomach in when ever I weigh myself!nnIt doesn't make me weigh less but at least I can see the numbers!"

"Why did the lobster blush? Because the see weed."

"does the voice recognition on your phone work i don't know im trying to submit a post on reddit please stop talking you're messing me up"

"It's so weird and coincidental that everyone who likes me is cool and smart and everyone who doesn't is an egomaniacal asshole."

"Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn't killed. What the hell kind of scary shit is that?"

"I keep a picture of a dragon fighting a helicopter in my wallet, in case the police ask to see my license for awesome."