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Joke of the Day

"I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street."

"Where does a mansplainer get his water? From a well, actually."

"[5 mins after seeing our neighbour's new boat] wife: ""everything's a competition to you"" me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] ""no it's not"""

"Cute stranger: *smiles at me* Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*"

"What's another name for a ghost writer? A prose-titute."

"What's J.D. Salingers favorite thing to have in a sandwich? RYEbread...."

"Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents."

"Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn't it a bit late to zombiefy yourself? Her: What's zombiefy? Me: ...Your hair looks great!"

"Homeless Yelp Review: Dumpster behind grocery on Calhoun & Fairfax BARELY had any rotting fruit. Owner chased me off with a bat. 0 stars."

"I'll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don't give a duck."