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Joke of the Day

"[Date] Her: *giggles* whoops you got a hair right there Me (nervous she's trying to clone me): give it back"

"What kind of shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans. *rimshot*"

"My wife just found a pretzel in her hair and then she ate it and I didn't know I could love her more."

"Visitor: You're very quiet Jennifer. Jennifer: Well my mum gave me a dollar not to say anything about your red nose."

"To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear."

"What do the Canadian Illuminati call themselves? The Illuminat-Eh!"

"""At your cervix, m'lady"" - me as an OBGYN and also just me"

"[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it"

"Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I'm standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice."

"Nothing rhymes with Trump Wait. I meant nothing rhymes with orange"