166011

Joke of the Day

"My friend asked me why I act so insecure when he would talk to my girlfriend. I don't remember what my answer was, but their son Malcolm turns two next month."

Next Joke
 
"[roommate hears me come in] ""how was the date?"" [face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I'm allergic to shellfish"
"Want to hear the one about potassium? K."
"Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs? A: She fell out of the tree."
"Ever hear about the optimist that was getting eaten by a lion? He managed to get out of the beast, but he looked like shit."
"NURSE: She's in a coma. She's been on hungerstrike [boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself] PATIENT: *Opens one eye*"
"How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat? When she fits in your wife's clothes."
"Me: *pouts at front facing camera* Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend."
"A homeless man told me to get home safely I smiled and said, ""You too!"""
"What is the plural of manatee? Menatee"