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Joke of the Day

"I don't know who this Rorschach guy is but..... Why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents fighting?"

"Last night I had a nightmare that Ann Coulter died and came back to haunt me... ...she was a coultergeist"

"[Storm into Octopus Boss' office] I want a raise or I quit! [Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern] NOT THIS TIME"

"When I was twelve, I jammed a tile from a Scrabble set into a Nerf gun and shot my brother in the forehead, killing him instantly. It was an accident though, I thought it was a ""blank""."

"Ran into my ex on the street. He's got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat."

"sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u... *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*"

"What's your favorite pickup line? Mine is the Ford F Series."

"""so what did you do before self-driving cars?"" ""we just drove 'em ourselves!"" ""wow, no one died that way?"" ""oh no, millions of people died"""

"How many PETA memebers does it take to change a light bulb? None. PETA can't change anything."

"The blood moon last night got me so excited I was over the moon!"