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Joke of the Day

"Why was Mary Jane not a virgin? Her mother leaves."

"Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter"

"The view of your Bedroom is perfect from this tree!"

"Why did Eddie Vedder take the fiber supplements? He needed to have an Even Flow."

"5yo: Why is he crying? Me: That's a teardrop tattoo. 5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison? M: What? 5: Remind him I want extra guacamole."

"*at casino* When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both. It will leave him speechless."

"NSFW What's the difference between sex and lunch? Depends on where you put the cucumber. Worked in a fruit and veg shop, guy stopped me packing cucumbers to tell me that."

"Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well"

"he's my french step dad... i call him my faux pa."

"is actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year."