16472

Joke of the Day

"Seminar topic at the annual vampire conference ""How to Deal with Stakeholders"""

"You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!"

"Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, and the first thing I look for in you."

"Hey, Morgan Freeman. Donating $1M to Obama's campaign isn't going to make him get older faster so you can play him in the movie."

"I met a dyslexic woman at a bar last night... I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock."

"What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Wife."

"Wife said she was 'retaining water' and I said I'd wondered who drained the swimming pool. Been 4 days and I'm still hiding in the attic"

"I came to Reddit to read some jokes.. It's on the comment section."

"I hate double-standards; when my girlfriend puts on a pair of puppy-dog eyes, it's ""cute"", but when I do it... Everyone is just ""Oh god Mercury what the fuck did you do that puppy?!"""

"What do you get when you cross an owl with a bunjee cord? My ass!"