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Joke of the Day

"Bitch, shut up and look riveted as shit while I get stoned and talk about crossbows for like three hours."

"Today I have learnt - if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens."

"What did Kim say when she found an armpit hair in her margarine container? ... I can't believe it's not butt-hair"

"Did you hear about the blood drive organizer from Portland who died in a car crash? He was an Oregon donor."

"Teacher: Didn't you know the bell had gone? Fred: I didn't take it Miss."

"Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous? Me: The blood of all my enemies. Bartender: Me: Bartender: Me: Miller Light"

"A mayor bans people living in his town from being buried in the local cemetery They have to be dead first"

"You know what I love about our relationship? We don't always need to talk. We can just sit here quietly disliking each other."

"Dark Humor is like getting laid Not everyone gets it."

"Why didn't the police shoot the polarbear who was wandering peacefully around the streets? Because he was white."