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Joke of the Day

"Bitch, shut up and look riveted as shit while I get stoned and talk about crossbows for like three hours."

"I need a new therapist. After a long session with my therapist describing all my various problems, she asked if I'd ever considered suicide. When I said no, she replied ""Well, you should."""

"Doctor Doctor you've taken out my tonsils my adenoids my gall bladder my varicose veins and my appendix but I still don't feel well. That's quite enough out of you!"

"I can't stand sitting down"

"Hey gurl, are you an inaccurate answer? Because that is one-significant-figure"

"Yesterday I tried to catch the fog... Mist."

"[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] ""come to me baby, and jump, and oops... You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear."""

"You can't hear me! She: ""You are so deaf. You never hear me."" He: ""I heard you. I was just looking at my new watch."" She: ""Oh yeah? What kind is it?"" He: Six o'clock!"""

"(from my 8 year old) What do you call a Mexican chicken giving directions? Arrows con Pollo"

"Why I'd never get a sex change I wouldn't have the balls to do it"