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Joke of the Day

"""A car I've never seen before just parked outside. We're gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you're not listening to me I said..."" - Dogs"

"The Queen is what she drinks... Royalty [ I hope this isn't a repost. I thought of it on my own]"

"[Every restaurant ever] Manager: ""Has he got a mouthful of food?"" Waiter: ""Yes."" Manager: ""Go and ask him how his meal is."""

"I was in a band.. called ""Missing Cat"". You might have seen our posters."

"I asked a meteorologist whether or not it would rain. He said, ""I don't know its up in the air""."

"People say, ""You have to work on a marriage."" I say, ""No thank you. I already have a job"

"Why is Europe like a frying pan?? They both have Greece at the bottom!!"

"MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!"

"""Give it to me!"" she said, ""I'm so fcuking wet, give it to me right now!"" And I replied, ""Fcuk you, it's my umbrella!"

"There's nothing like finding a screw on the floor to make me wonder for the rest of the day about what's going to fall apart and kill me."