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Joke of the Day

"Wife: Did you get eggs? Me: pew pew Wife: Great lasers, so did you? Me: pew pew pew pew pee Wife: Why me god. Me: *barrel roll* pew pew"

"How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at them."

"My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg."

"What do you call two gay Irishmen? Michael Fitzpatrick...and Patrick Fitzmichael"

"yo momma so fat her shadow engulfs all of manhattan"

"Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick."

"If NASA are ever going to send someone to mars to collect water samples, They're going to have to planet very carefully!"

"Woke up to a beautiful May morning Then we all exchanged gifts and sang carols."

"Your college degree doesn't mean you're smart, it just means you're in debt."

"A Hardcore atheist, A dedicated vegan, and an avid cross-fiter walk into a bar. how can you tell which one is which? They tell you."