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Joke of the Day

"A drunk is brought to court... The judge says ""you've been brought here for drinking"" to which the drunk replies ""when can we start!"""

"I hate when a texting convo goes like this You: heyy. Them: hey! You: watzup? Them: nothin wbu? You: same. Them: cool. You: yea Them: haha. You: lol. Them: yep."

"I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds ""plants"""

"BANG BANG! Q: Why did the mirror have holes in it? A: A moron kept trying to shoot himself."

"Just saw a dolphin with a tattoo of a college girl struggling for individuality and freedom from her middle class parents"

"[aquarium exit] Excuse me ma'am, would you mind opening your bag? I beg your pardon?! OPEN YOUR BAG *opens bag and reveals two penguins*"

"Attention children: Mom is closed."

"My wife just left me because of my fetish with pasta I'm feeling cannelloni right now"

"Little kids be trippin'."

"[raises hand in English class] Why do we need to be learned English? ""Hmm.. Couldn't have worded that better myself, Luke"""