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Joke of the Day

"[aquarium exit] Excuse me ma'am, would you mind opening your bag? I beg your pardon?! OPEN YOUR BAG *opens bag and reveals two penguins*"

"My friends hosting a charity night for people who can't reach orgasms I told him i'll let him know if i can't come."

"""The New York Times"" isn't the punchline... but... http://www.politico.com/blogs/media/2015/01/correction-of-the-day-200768.html?ml=tl_4"

"[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill] ""No"" What? ""You can't sit in the Kangaroos pouch"" *places $50 back in my pocket*"

"Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact."

"Beyonce: Ok now ladies let's get in formation. Ladies: Information about what? Beyonce: Dammit, ladies, we went over this."

"Oh, you sent me an event invite on Facebook? We've never met and you live 2,400 miles away, of course I'll go!!"

"I had a threesome with two girls. They said they were 28 years old... How was I supposed to know they meant combined? They really look like adults, especially the 20-years old"

"Why did the rockstar turkey get kicked out of the concert? Because he tryptophan."

"I once met a dyslexic who suffered from vertigo. Her name was Dizzy Spells."