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Joke of the Day

"Me: I want to buy this chicken Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him? *imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy* Me: Yes"

"Why did the clock phone the ruler? Because desperate times call for desperate measures...."

"Someone keeps sending me envelopes with cartoon dicks on them. I hate junk mail."

"I got caled into jury duty today... That's going to result in a well hung jury."

"[gets on Facebook] [types ""you pushed me away but expected me to stay""] [everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]"

"SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you? Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?"

"Donald Trump is gonna be the next US President pretty HILLARYous, isn't it"

"ebola jokes ... its all about the execution :')"

"Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week"

"Your mom is like a bowling ball she gets picked up, fingered, thrown down a dark alley, and she always comes back for more."