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Joke of the Day

"I treat my body like a temple. I fill it with crap for the afterlife..."

"You don't realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee."

"windows 8: i got some updates me: cool windows: i have to restart me: okay not now windows: im going to me: please dont windows: lol"

"Why don't women like to wear dresses in the winter? Chapped lips"

"I just burned 12000 calories I left the pizza in the oven"

"Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house. *zoom to fish tank* Fish 1: *nods* Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny. *bubbles*"

"What do you get when you cross a pirate and a pedophile? Arrrrrr Kelly"

"[At supermarket] ""Excuse me do you work here?"" WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don't have a job"

"What do you get when you run over a goose? Goose bumps."

"We got your viagra A man walks into a pharmacy to pick up some prescription drugs. The pharmacist says: ""oh, we got your viagra!"" The man replies: ""I don't give a fuck anymore"""