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Joke of the Day

"Oh my god, killer snails are after us. Walk. Walk for your lives."

"Why does nobody laugh at zombie-Peter Pan's jokes? He always tells them with a dead Pan face."

"$2000 date? We better be sitting at the table with Jay-Z and Obama at the same time while eating dinosaurs & sippin' on virgin Indian tears."

"I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you. But sometimes I put both my legs in the same pant leg and pretend I'm a mermaid."

"Two guys are talking in a bar. ""My wife just left me for my best friend."" ""Oh my! That's so bad! Since when was that dude your best friend?"" ""Since he left with my wife."""

"Not to get technical But according to chemistry alcohol is technically a solution"

"""this is your captain speaking. i bet you're reading this in a man's voice. well guess what! i'm a woman captain. women are captains too."""

"What do people with huge penises eat for breakfast? Well, I had toast. EDIT: me and /u/Nekovivie weren't expecting you to know. cuz^you^have^a^small^dick"

"If you ever get cold... Just stand in a corner. They're usually around 90 degrees!"

"Why do crowd control police go earlier to work? To beat the crowd."