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Joke of the Day

"Don't invest in SeaWorld It's really starting to tank"

"COP: Do you know why I pulled you over? ME: I'm not sure. Over."

"Q: Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders? A: So they don't get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to side as they are saying ""I don't know?"" whenever you ask them a question."

"The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure."

"[wife leaving for the weekend] ""Baby formula is in the cupbo--"" ""I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad's funeral."""

"Why did the pharaoh retire? Because he did not want to be part of a pyramid scheme"

"[diner] ME: I'll have the eggs, please WAITER: how would you like those? ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you."

"I've been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I'm an airport building. Hope it's not terminal."

"There are 10 kinds of people... Those who understand ternary notation, those who don't and those who thought this would be a binary joke. Credits to /u/johnnybenude"

"Momma didn't raise no fool. I did this all on my own."