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Joke of the Day

"One day, you wake up and everyone has a number over their heads. The number is counting down by the second. Eventually, someone's number reaches zero, and.... They sneeze. Their number resets."

"""Dad, what's a sponsored tweet?"" ""A way for Twitter to make money, I guess. Now, pass the Metamucil with 100% Natural Psyllium Fiber."""

"First thing I do every morning when I wake up is take a shit. Then I roll over and get out of bed."

"If Philae finds an inhabitant on the comet what would be its first words? I'm a Comedian ^((because people from Mars are Martians)^) ^^And. ^^I'll ^^show ^^myself ^^out"

"Dad Joke Survivors A nickelodeon presentation."

"I wish I lived in the 1950's, because I have a few songs I want to record about my postman."

"My cremated aunt used to give great advice. She always told me that you have to urn your place in life."

"At an AC/DC concert... Brian Johnson: You guys ready to rock? Crowd: YESSSSSS Brian Johnson: I can't hear you!"

"When Microsoft and Apple ship faulty products Microsoft: We will fix that faulty battery timer through a software update. *never fixes it though* Apple: *quietly removes the battery timer*"

"As President Roosevelt said: ""We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."""