156579

Joke of the Day

"Why was the ground all white after Custer's last stand? Because the indians kept coming and coming..."

"[Interview] ""You were arrested for armed robbery?"" I had no choice. It's silly to try and rob a bank without your arms. ""We'll be in touch."""

"ME: *vaping* FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen? ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope"

"Sometimes I stop suddenly when I have sex with my girlfriend. She asks, ""Why did you stop?"" I reply, ""Oh, it's something I learned in porn. It's called buffering."""

"It's impossible to say ""mesh"" without sounding like Sean Connery... Also you just tried it."

"You've got to really be careful when ingesting shoes... cause they're usually laced"

"If something happened to me today, my legacy would be how much my kids say ""like"""

"You can run but my rifle's got a scope."

"Ugly scenes in centre of Leicester this evening An 'anti Trump' protestor threw a traffic cone, narrowly missing US President by 5802 miles"

"Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he's in two places at once."