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Joke of the Day

"What is the difference between a small vagina and a douchey midget? One is a runty cunt and the other is a cunty runt."

"[commercial for soup] NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?"

"I added Michael J Fox as a friend on Instagram... He likes every single one of my photos."

"Always carry $100,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feel like getting a sandwich from an airport."

"I used to be a plastic surgeon Which raised a few eyebrows."

"What is loud and sounds like ""apple""? (scream) APPLE!!!"

"God: You'll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30 [Later] Moses: We must wander for 40 years"

"Bella is the most misunderstood girl in fiction. She games Edward for immortality, starts a vampire war&secures a wolf servant for her baby."

"How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? It's some really obscure number. You've probably never even heard of it."

"The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse."