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Joke of the Day

"I hold my iPhone up outside your window to play our song. A 90 second ad plays first."

"Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?"

"What do you call a principal who gives good blow jobs? A headmaster."

"What do you call a cat on a big plate? a platterpuss"

"If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner it's usually about 90 degrees."

"Mommy, what are these? ""Put them back they are sleeping pills!"" Oh, then you shouldn't yell ""Why?"" [whispering] YOU'LL WAKE THEM UP"

"Have you heard of the 300-lb. college student from Japan? He graduated sumo cum laude"

"What did Caesar say when playing battleship? A2 Brute."

"One tectonic plate bumped into another and said ""Sorry. My fault"""

"My girlfriend made a call during sex... She let me know she was having a great time and she'd be home soon. Thought that was sweet."