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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about the cow that tried to hurdle a barbed wire fence? It was an udder disaster."

"As told to me by my dad who smokes a lot Did the disappointed smoker get everything he wanted for Christmas? Clothes but no cigar."

"How many /r/news mods does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know, but it only takes one to get it [removed]"

"""Mommy all the kids at school say I'm a werewolf! Is that true?"" ""No of course not. Now shut up and comb your face."""

"Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said ""We do our business in your mouth"" and I haven't stopped laughing."

"I just whispered Beetlejuice 3 times and Michael Keaton showed up and asked for a job."

"Whenever my girlfriend doesn't eat her dinner, I remind her that there are starving kids in Africa, and that she'll never be that skinny."

"Did this dude really just say, ""Why don't you make like a tree and leaf"" to me? Fuck you. Why don't you make like a toilet and eat shit?"

"My OCD is so bad that, when someone falls asleep on a plane, I turn off their overhead light. And braid their hair."

"What do you call a hired investigator who's a jerk only when he's alone? A private dick."