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Joke of the Day

"Whenever my girlfriend doesn't eat her dinner, I remind her that there are starving kids in Africa, and that she'll never be that skinny."

"Nike is coming out with a line of Air Brady football shoes. They have a built in suspension feature. You just have to let some air out."

"What do you call an obese psychic that works at a bank? A four chin teller"

"ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: I signed you both up for Tinder *1 week later ME: You still want a divorce? THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING"

"My sister's a really bad driver. What makes you say that? Every time she goes out in the car Dad puts a glass panel in the floor so that she can see who she's run over."

"which Baldwin went to school? The smart Alec."

"The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close."

"I see your ""long walks on the beach"" and I raise you ""long Segway rides on beach"" *peels off on beach throwing sand in dates face*"

"My truck handles great... the amount of G's it can pull in a corner is only limited by the amount of rope."

"TV is the best girlfriend Because, no matter what happens, I can always turn it on."