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Joke of the Day

"Have you heard about the condition that causes your penis to ejaculate when submerged in water? It comes in waves."

"Why is the computer so aggressive? It bytes"

"I have a chest cold, or, as they used to call it in the 17th Century, four days to live."

"5 and I are playing ""guess the number I'm thinking of"" with no limits and no clues. He's guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!"

"Dear Shirtless Guy in his Profile Pic, You REALLY want to impress girls? Get a job & pose in front of your cubicle."

"Why was the baseball team hot? It didn't have any fans!"

"""I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy"" is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation."

"ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe [5 hrs later] ME: ok fine maybe ur right WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant"

"I love how people say they're ""expecting"" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin."

"Monsters won't stop chasing me. I don't wanna play today dammit!"