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Joke of the Day

"""Damn do you have a wizard wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ;)"" *pulls wand from pocket* ""I haven't been happy in years"""

"Why does Popeye have the perfect dick? Because he's always dipping it in Olive Oyl."

"Most people can't drink coffee then go to sleep. I'm just the opposite. . . I can't go to sleep and then drink coffee. God, that was stupid."

"So this dude is like, ""Where are you going with all that Element 83?"" and I was like ""None of your bismuth"""

"How does one sink, that which floats? How does one sync, that which floats? Well, we type case the variable to make sure that both sides of the equation are of type, floats."

"Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?"

"Why could the chef not cook a tree branch? Because he used a non-stick pan."

"i found the cure for cancer [deleted]"

"Did you guys hear the one about the mascara and the lipstick? The relationship was alright, but the make-up sex was amazing."

"I wish the mailman would come to my house at the same time as the garbage man so he could give my mail directly to him."