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Joke of the Day

"I always hated weddings... I always hated weddings because the elderly would come over and poke me saying ""You're next."". They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals."

"What are the four words that you least want to hear, after having blown Willie Nelson? ""I'm not Willie Nelson."""

"I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later... Holy Shit!"

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back."

"When I asked my girlfriend why she was breaking up with me, she said ""Because you're a pedophile!"". I replied ""That's an awfully big word for a twelve year old."""

"Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up."

"Wearing your emotions on you sleeve(less shirt). the only emotion you wear with a sleeveless shirt is the one that let's people know you're a tough guy who makes a little less than $26,000 a year."

"I'm not interested in your cat unless it's on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid."

"I'm against cloning. It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam."

"What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailor"