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Joke of the Day

"How did the domestic goods feel when they were being shipped overseas? Tarrif-ied."

"Wife: ""I saw a huge owl on my way home. Almost hit it with my car."" Me: ""Wow!"" Wife: ""Sorry, the correct response is 'O RLY?'"""

"I think I speak for Earth when I say that I'm ready for Justin Bieber to turn to hard drugs and squander his wealth, eventually losing fame."

"I wonder if they sell tumbleweeds on eBay, as it would be cool to have a few following me around the office wherever I go"

"I asked a guy if he could hold my joke for me. guy ""Jokes aren't a thing, you can't hold them!"" me ""Wow, just can't take a joke can you."""

"*Pulls away from kissing* *Puts on headset* ""Hello 911, what's your emergency?"""

"Doctor Doctor you've taken out my tonsils my adenoids my gall bladder my varicose veins and my appendix but I still don't feel well. That's quite enough out of you !"

"Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo."

"Why is the sea so strong? It has a lot of mussels."

"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine, he gets better with age..... The next day, she locked me in the cellar."