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Joke of the Day

"I wonder if they sell tumbleweeds on eBay, as it would be cool to have a few following me around the office wherever I go"

"Male Birth Control. ....Because its easier to unload the gun than shooting at a bulletproof vest."

"Mafia Boss: You wearin' a wire? Me: ""Wire"" you asking me that? lol get it [the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]"

"Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they're nerds but they should still be able to make living friends."

"Friend: What time is it? Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away) Friend: Well? Me: Well what?"

"My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall... ... I said maybe..."

"Q: Why isn't Barney the Dinosaur allowed to drive? A: Because everybody knows -- tyrannosaurus wrecks."

"A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. And what do you do with a phone without service? You play games."

"What's a mouse's least favorite record ? What's up Pussycat !"

"Whats the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian? Ones a snack cracker and ones a crack snacker!"