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Joke of the Day

"Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar. You can stop sacrificing goats now."

"What do you call it when Gandhi starts a food fight? Naan violence"

"Why can't you be friends with a tampon? Because they are stuck up cunts."

"I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk?...my apocolypse plans depend on it....thanks!"

"By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I've likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring."

"Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders... Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?"

"Hearing a joke is like chasing a puppy with a club, eventually you get it."

"I used to have a dog named Ass. RIP Ass"

"This girl I'm currently seeing is very flexible, just what I like. She comes round every Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday."

"Do not adopt a snow leopard? i did its ruined the sofa, there is shit all over the house,my arms are in ribbons and now i cant find the dog, i think some charities can be downright irresponsible!"