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Joke of the Day

"*horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into an optometrist* Horse: Holy shit please help me"

"Instead of yelling ""Hello?"" when u think a murderer's in your home, say ""Goodbye"" Then if he's there he'll be like well OK guess I'm leaving"

"Investment question If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? A: The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper."

"Boobs= not much ass, Ass= no boobs, Ass and Boobs= ugly face, Ass, boobs and nice face= Slut. You can never win"

"Ladies tell me I have the body of a god Buddha"

"My signature move is not caring which one yours is."

"The sign of a true gentleman... ...is one who knows how to play the bagpipes, but chooses not to."

"The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world."

"[On a date] Date: So what do you do? Me: I'm a taxidermist Date: Oh... wow. Fox: And a ventriloquist"

"Me: *passes ransom note* Mom: 2 bags of unmarked cookies? Me: Or you'll never see the cat alive! Mom: He's behind you. Me: STUPID KITTY!"