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Joke of the Day

"My signature move is not caring which one yours is."

"My five-year-old: ""I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!"" No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference."

"Riding a motorcycle is like having sex without a condom. It does feel great at the time, but if you make a mistake it's really really bad."

"So, I understand Michael Jackson died from food poisoning... ...he choked on a 9-year old weiner."

"Noah's Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?"

"If my dog could talk he'd say ""You hang up first..."""

"Putin Sends New Year's Message of Peace To Obama Inside a pipe bomb."

"I came up with a plan to help people with debt, it's called ""Don't buy shit you can't afford!"""

"Airport Security: Please remove your shoes Man: Don't be ridiculous, I'm no terrorist AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?"

"Did you guys hear about what Nelly thought? She thought chicken manure was jelly."