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Joke of the Day

"A guy came to my bar the other day and told me ""hey man I don't have much money, can you just give me your cheapest shot?"" . . I said ""Yeah, your ugly and your mom dresses you funny""."

"Why do girls always walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they can't even..."

"Why should women only masturbate with these two fingers? *holds up middle and ring finger* Because they're mine!"

"Q: Two Pretzels were walking down the street. A: One was assaulted."

"Did you hear the one about the girl that went deep sea fishing with four guys? She came back with a red snapper."

"ME: Ok, that's everything in the dishwasher *closes dishwasher door* *turns it on* *turns around* TEASPOON: You're not gonna believe this"

"It's hard to take Star Trek's vision of the future seriously since everyone's not constantly on Twitter."

"The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him"

"Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they're making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first."

"whenever someone says happy birthday.... all I hear is ""Happy anniversary of the day your face rubbed your moms vagina"""