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Joke of the Day

"It's hard to take Star Trek's vision of the future seriously since everyone's not constantly on Twitter."

"Murdered for immortality. Received life sentence."

"Spent the day attempting crazy driving stunts because I forgot to read the fine print at the bottom of a car commercial."

"If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages"

"I tried to start learning French verbs... ...but it's impossible with all the new pronouns."

"How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan? Take away their tiny brooms!"

"Be yourself. Except you, cauliflower, you have to pretend to be other food."

"""I'm too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time"" ~Management"

"Girl at engineering school: I'm like the single-most clumsy person [5 male engineering students emerge from bushes] ""Did you say single?"""

"I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from."