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Joke of the Day

"me: Should I pack condoms? wife*laughs* me*driving* wife*still laughing* me*checks into the hotel* wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*"

"Why does everyone make fun of Batmans old suit, the one with the nipples? Bats have nipples. Hell, that's the most sensitive part of a bat."

"How do you tell when a woman is having an orgasm? Who cares?"

"[me on my death bed after being trampled at a one direction concert] please tell people it was auto erotic asphyxiation"

"A married man's prayer; Dear God, you gave me childhood, you took it away You gave me youth, you took it away. You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now... Just reminding you......"

"*toddler screaming in car seat* Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home. Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?"

"What does star trek and toilet paper have in common? They both fly around Uranus looking for Klingons' s"

"I have two personal trainers... One on each foot!"

"I don't trust people who keep their jackets on after they've arrived. That's what I do when I'm going to escape."

"*kisses new boss on lips as I say goodbye at the end of my first day*"