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Joke of the Day

"[me on my death bed after being trampled at a one direction concert] please tell people it was auto erotic asphyxiation"

"I've always been the kind of person who likes to think outside of the box. Although it has harmed my career as a goalkeeper."

"[Gets shot by mugger] Girl walks by: omg are u ok? I'm dying [sees she isn't wearing a ring] I mean I'm fine but not as fine as you, sup?"

"Ever had that feeling where you just want to jump right out of bed? Me neither."

"Why can't Chinese people have white babies? Because two wongs don't make a white."

"I was watching a fight the other day... ...and a hockey game broke out."

"What losses its head in the morning and gets it back in the evening? A pillow"

"How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink? When your writing becomes visible."

"What do you call a doctor who is always available? An oncallogist."

"When Leo said, ""To all my friends, you know who you are"" he was talking about the bear"