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Joke of the Day

"first you light 100 candles, then you fall asleep. this 'burn your house down' spell works every time"

"The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife."

"Lead me not into temptation... fcuk that, follow me, I know a shortcut."

"Hillary Clinton is elected President. JK."

"[During surgery] DR DOG: Suction please. NURSE: But there's no bleeding. DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!"

"I got like 30 followers off a tweet about free porn sites, to which I say free credit report lose weight free penis enlargement."

"Just went sledding for the first time I liked it until I got on the sled. It was all down hill from there."

"Lady: he's so mysterious Lady2: I wonder what he's thinking [Me, just wondering how easy it'd be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]"

"I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET."

"2 Indian guys accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine... Both were rushed to hospital. One's in a korma, the other's got a dodgy tikka."