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Joke of the Day

"*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*"

"The clock was bored of his tick-tock... ...so he changed to a better tack-tick."

"How do you become a hobbit? Eat, shrink and be Merry!"

"How does Lil Wayne get inspiration for his new music? He listens to his old music."

"Why are quantum physicists so bad at sex? Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position."

"I had a friend who used to draw on her eyebrows. One day, she accidentally drew them to high. When I told her, she looked surprised."

"Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a nobel prize? They said he was outstanding in his field"

"Why did the lesbian go to Sports Authority? because she didn't like dicks."

"Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct."

"I'm going as president Obama for Halloween this year. I'll tell you you're getting different candy, but it will be the same candy from last year."