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Joke of the Day

"(first date) Me: *hyperventilating* Him: Don't be nervous. Take a deep breath. Me: Can't. I'm wearing three pairs of Spanx."

"""haha this costume party is great"" ""sir PLEASE get off the table"" ""cool librarian costume"" *sprays silly string* ""hey dude nice police costu"

"A man is in the doctor's office: ""Doctor, can I get AIDS from sitting on a toilet seat?"" ""Well yes, but only if you sit down before the last guy gets up."""

"Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict!"

"If babies wouldn't cry.. ..there would be no need for fleshlights."

"If you like to speak in different languages while high off marijuana, you're probably Rosetta Stoned."

"Dark Humor is like getting laid Not everyone gets it."

"What did the vampire say when his son scraped his knee? **""Suck it up""**"

"I was fired from the M&Ms factory because I threw out all the W's"

"I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water... Or food... Or baby..."